Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
