Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
