Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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