dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
