Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
