His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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