Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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