Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
