I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
