I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
