I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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