Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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