so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
