What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
