Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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