tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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