I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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