WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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