Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
