i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
