you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
