Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
