I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The best revenge is premature balding
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
