Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
