And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
