What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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