Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
