I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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