Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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