i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
