just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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