Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
