i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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