Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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