Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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