I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
