Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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