Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
