How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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