You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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