i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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