Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
