she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
