i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize