Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
