You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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