i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
