woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
COCAINE IS GR8
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