turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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