Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
