He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
