I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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