She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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