I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
