How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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