She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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