There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
